


Despair

by Tangerine_Catnip



Series: Crossing that Razor-thin Line [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst and Drama, Blood and Injury, Dubious Consent, F/M, First Time Gem Fusion, Forced Gem Fusion, Gem Fusion, Mental Breakdown, Meta, Mild Sexual Content, Mind Control, Non-Graphic Violence, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-23 16:57:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21084737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tangerine_Catnip/pseuds/Tangerine_Catnip
Summary: When given the impossible choice of saving the earth or saving Spinel, Steven takes a third option.





	Despair

Steven touched back down on the glimmering stone that capped Spinel’s injector. A giant cartoonish replica of her own flipped gemstone. Just a second ago Spinel had been preparing for a massive punch, poised to knock him right out of the sky. Steven had summoned his shield, closed his eyes, and then... She’d vanished.

He squinted, straining to pick her out against the sea of fluorescent pink. Where could she have gone? Was she trying to sneak-attack him? 

Steven edged forward, ready to summon his bubble at a moment’s notice, trying to look in every direction at once. 

Then he spotted the tip of a pigtail. Spinel was sitting on the edge, right where the two haves of the heart met in the middle.

He approached with an arm raised but no shield. Spinel didn’t look angry anymore. That had to be good news, right?

“All dat stuff’s easy fer you tuh say,” She muttered into her hands once he was close enough to hear. “When you_ change_ you change for the betta. When **I **change…”

Spinel's voice cracked, and she pulled in a deep, shuddering breath. “I change fur da wawrse.”

Spinel looked down at her hands, her splayed fingers catching her tears before they rolled off and fell 200 feet to the rocky beach below.

“Spinel, Please. I don’t want to fight.”

Spinel flinched and shot him a glare; her irises ringed once with dark spirals. One strike out of three. 

“Fine. You don’t wanna fight? Den we won’t fight. But I’m not gonna sit here and let yuh manipulate me again, Steven Universe...”

Spinel growled his full name as she shifted herself up, towering over him even though her legs were bent in several places. 

“I can’t hurtcha, and you won’t hurt me. So, either we stay in a stalemate fureva or…”

With a snap, Spinel was back into her regular alignment. Exactly his height, munis the pigtails. 

“Heh… Hehehehheheh…”

What started as a giggle morphed into a heart-wrenching cackle. Spinel threw her head back and laughed and laughed and laughed. She dug her fingers into her cheeks, clawing at the black lines scorched into them.

Then she stopped laughing.

She met Steven’s eyes. This time he counted two spirals.

“-or I quit.”

Steven blinked at her. The word was so innocuous the full implications flew right over his head.

“You… What?”

“Are your ears clogged or somethin'?!” Spinel snapped back. “I quit! I fold! Game ovuh! I’m taking an L, I rolled snake eyes, I’m cashin' out my chips, my numbers didn’t come up, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars!”

Spinel stared out at the dark clouds passing overhead and then down at the rolling waves and temple cliff.

“Let’s see how much luck ya have tryin’ tuh change my shattered pieces...”

Spinel turned toward the edge and thrust her shoulders back, baring the weakest part of her body. Suddenly, Steven was ten years old again, watching Amethyst goof off on the edge of the cliff. She was laughing at the very idea she might fall until…

**Crack**

But this was twice as high up, and Spinel was_ trying_ to land gem-first.

“The timer is still ticking on my injector,” Spinel reminded him, pointing down at the quarter tank of Bio-poison slowly leaking into the planet. “Looks like you’ve got ten hours tops. Good luck, you’re gonna need it.”

Spinel held her arms out and let herself plunge forward into the void.

“No!”

Steven leapt for her and caught her around the middle. He hauled her back from over the edge with all his strength. They landed in a heap together several meters back.

“No, no, no, no, no, no!”

It was all Steven could think to say. He struggled to keep his grip on her. It was like trying to wrestle with an octopus, every time he got a hold on something, it wriggled out of his hand, forcing him to grab some other part instead. 

“Grrrrah! Let go of me!” Spinel spat. She writhed and twisted, but Steven had his full strength back, and she couldn’t break his grip long enough to escape. 

“No! I won’t let you! This isn’t worth it Spinel! Nothing is worth that. We can fix this. We can still fix this. Please, I just want to help.”

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” Spinel screeched. She reeled back for a punch. Steven grabbed her wrist, pinning it above her head. He snatched her other hand and pinned in down next, leaving a small crack in the surface of the capstone from the sheer force he was using. Sensing he was getting the upper hand, Steven bent his leg around Spinel’s and planted his calf to the injector, repeating the motion on the other side.

Even with her super stretchy powers, Spinel still needed her hands or feet to hit him properly. Without them, the best she could do was wack her arms against him, which was about as impactful as being slapped with a pool noodle.

Steven handed her right wrist to his left hand, trusting in his strength and his position on top to keep both pinned. He grabbed Spinel’s chin with his right hand. He was mostly concerned with stopping her from biting him, but it also forced her to meet his eyes.

He stared down into those two simmering pools of bio-poison, counting three full rings. Spinel was starting to realize struggling wasn’t getting her anywhere. She let her form fall slack against the glowing pink crystal.

“Fuck off! I’m not even tryin' tuh kill yuh anymore! Da leastcha could do is lemme go out wit' style! Why can’t yuh just lemme have dis!”

Steven felt her hot breath on his palm as she screamed at him, along with a few droplets of spit. 

“Spinel, there is always another way. There’s always something more to live for. I understand that you’re in a lot of pain, but just giving up is never the answer.”

Spinel writhed with revulsion underneath him. She twisted every which way to throw him off, but with his powers back, Steven was simply stronger than her.

She fell back again, panting with the effort.

“Ugh, classic. Dis is just fuckin' classic. I’ve known yuh fer alla one day and I’m already sick of yur cryin' and whinin' about how yuh unnerstand when yuh really don’t. Why doncha ackshully put yuhself in my shoes fur a second, Mista universe. This injecta’ is all da leverage I have. Once it’s out of da picture, dere’s nuttin' stoppin' yuh from abandonin' me at yur earliest convenience.

“I won’t do that.”

“Don’t yuh tink I know dat?! and If ya could just keep yuh stoopid platitudes tuh yuhself fer five minutes and ackshully listen I’d tell yuh why it doesn’t mattuh one hoot.” 

Steven clenched his jaw. That wasn’t fair. He’d just been trying to get her to open up to him. Still, she was talking now, and he wasn’t going to let this chance to peek inside her mind pass him by. 

Steven moved his hand from Spinel’s chin to her throat, his fingers curling into the warm pink of her form. The gesture wasn’t as menacing for gems as it was for humans since they didn’t need to breath, but Steven still felt a little weird holding her like that. With Spinel being Spinel, he couldn’t ignore any part of her body. All of it could become a weapon if she wanted it to be.

Steven put all his weight into holding her down, including a little extra courtesy of his innate ability to control the force of gravity when it applied to him. Usually, this meant lessening his weight for a slow descent, but he could manipulate it in the other direction just as easily.

Spinel grunted as he pressed his body up against her form. It was awkward, but he couldn’t risk her slipping out of his grasp, not when all she needed to do to shatter herself was make it to the edge of the injector.

“Alright. I’m listening.”

“Ga-good...”

Steven felt Spinel try to tug back her arms, but she couldn’t even get them to budge. Her gaze flicked over to her pinned hands, then met his again. Her eyes widened and… was the fear? Yes, it was, buried under the hate and denial. It wasn’t an abstract kind of fear either, it was wholly focused on the unnatural weight pinning her to the injector. On him. 

But he was just trying to keep her safe… wasn’t he? He’d let her go once he was sure she wouldn’t hurt herself.

“He-here’s the thing,” Spinel explained, using her inside voice this time. “I actually believe that you don’t wanna abandon me, but guess what the fuck else? No matter how hard you try to make me feel accepted and wanted, sooner or later you’re gonna be busy or occupied with your othuh friends or just tired, and I'm going to read too far into it, and I’m going to freak out because I’m a broken fucking toy with a malfunctioning gem and then I’ll do some fresh new-fangled fucked up shit and make things even werse ‘dan I already have.” 

“There is no happy ending Steven. Not for me. Even if I do start getting better, I’ll know, and you’ll know that we’re just counting down the seconds until some stupid thing sets me off. You’ve got a big happy family. You’ve got friends who love you. There’s no place for me in your little sunshine circle, even if you want me dere.” 

“I’m no good for you, and you’re no good for me. If I stick around, eventually, you’ll be forced to get rid of me to protect your friends and family, and fuck, I wouldn’t blame ya for doing it, but I can’t let that happen to me again, Steven. Especially not wit' yuh. Not when yuh remind me so much of… her.”

Steven felt Spinel swallow beneath his fingers.

“You’ve got her eyes y’know… not the colour, but the... kindness. Or maybe that’s just pity.” 

Spinel closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

“At least when I’m in pieces I can’t feel anything.”

The light from her gem dimmed, becoming a black pit in the centre of her chest. 

“Let me go,” Spinel said, voice quiet and thin. “I’ll turn off the injector and then shatter myself. Is that good enough?

“No!”

Steven started himself with the force he put behind the word. He knew better than to be angry. She was vulnerable and scared, but his anger raged on regardless. He couldn’t believe this. After he'd risked his life over and over and over trying to help her, the thought that Spinel would just throw hers away was more then he could handle. 

“Why?! It would solve all your problems!”

“I don’t care! **It’s not an option!**”

Spinel winced, twisting her head away as he roared at her. Steven felt his hands and body shaking with frustration.

Spinel cracked her eye open just a bit. Steven clamped his mouth shut. Calm. He had to keep calm. Don’t think about picking shattered pieces out of the grass, don’t think about her slipping through your fingers and vanishing forever, don’t think about the possibility her fragments might try to reform, leaving broken bits of her writhing in perpetual agony.

“Tsk… Then, I guess we’re right back where we started, huh? A regular Catch-22.”

Steven tried to breathe, but he forgot the part where it was supposed to be deep and calming, not shallow and rapid.

“Weren’t you just going on about how this had nothing to do with you? Like, jeez, make up your mind already. Would it help if I write a little note saying it was all Pink’s fault? Would that make you feel better?”

“Shut up!”

“Hehe... testy. I guess you really do care. Just my friggen luck...”

Steven’s fingers tightened around her throat. He had no idea what he should be doing. This wasn’t right. Why wasn’t it working? Why couldn’t he think of what he needed to say? He’d managed to talk down White freaking Diamond for stars’ sake.

But then, White Diamond had a point of view he could prove wrong. He could prove that she wasn’t perfect and that he wasn’t Pink Diamond, but what Spinel was saying didn’t have any grounding at all. She was finally thinking about other people’s feelings, but she’d followed that train of thought off a cliff.

He knew she could change. He knew there was a point in the future where she could be happy, but he couldn’t prove it and if she wouldn’t believe him… What else was there?

“Listen, Steven, I get you’ve got this little hero complex thing going on, but you’re a big kid now-”

Spinel shifted slightly, and Steven reacted on instinct, grinding his hips down against hers to keep her still. 

“Unf...”

Steven herd the soft noise Spinel made at the exact same moment a flash of heat made him realize what he had just done. Their hips were lined up perfectly, Spinel’s legs were locked around him. He could feel every movement she made, every twitch, every shudder. Steven had never been this physically close with another being aside from… 

“Hehehe. R-real big...” Spinel murmured, quietly enough it might have been just for her benefit. She licked her lips, the soft smack echoing in Steven’s ears.

He couldn’t let her go. It was too dangerous. He didn't have a choice. 

“But I think there’s still an important thing you need to learn…”

His fingers wrapped tighter around her throat. Why did she insist on making him hurt her? He didn’t want to... he didn’t want to… even if it felt…

“I’ve wanted to crack myself open long before you were even born. Dontcha think it’s time for you to just accept that you can’t save everyone?”

Her poison eyes were calling to him. Taunting him. She’d lost herself in the dark, and he hadn’t a hope of finding her while he stood in the light. He only had two choices now. Let her go… or follow her over the line.

“I’m tired of hopin’. Tired of waitin’. Yuh saw where dat got me. Cantcha let one get away? You can have your happily evuh afta back, just the way it was, with one less mess to clean up. Please, Steven. Let me go. I don’t wanna keep hurtin. I don’t wanna hurt anyone more den I already have. I just want it tuh go away. I wanna go away.”

Begging. She was begging him to let her kill herself. 

Steven let go of her throat and her wrists, then planted both his hands on either side of her head.

“Spinel. Fuse with me.”

“Wh-what?”

“Fuse with me. I have my Powers back; it won’t be difficult.”

"That wasn't my main concern, but okay."

“You said you wanted proof that I won’t abandon you again. I can’t leave you if you’re a part of me.”

“O-oh…” 

Spinel blinked, and the dark rings in her eyes vanished as this new option crystallized before her. 

“Yah want m-me to be a part of...”

Spinel shuddered, and Steven bucked his hips back against her. He didn’t feel as guilty about it the second time. 

“I’ll prove you can change. We’ll do it together. We’ll become someone new.” 

Steven suddenly thought to wonder if Spinel Knew what fusion was. Would a playmate gem even be told if it wasn’t something they were meant to do? 

“Someone new? Like... like when you went away before? You can make me go away and be part of you?”

So that was a ‘sorta’ on knowing what it was. Shit. 

“Yes. You’ll still exist but...”

“I won’t be Spinel anymore? Just ‘poof’ and I’ll be gone?”

“Yes.”

“He-hehe…”

As she giggled, Spinel sat up and wrapped her arms around his chest, removing the last remaining space between them. “Hahahahahahahaha! Ha! haaaa~! Yeah! Let’s do it! Sign me right up.”

Steven knew this was an awful idea. He could hear younger Steven’s voice echoing in his ear, begging Lapis to not make this exact same mistake. But the bottom line was that fusion was temporary and shattering was permanent. He couldn’t keep Spinel pinned to this injector forever. He needed her alive, and the injector turned off. Now that talking things out had failed, he was down to only two options. Poofing and bubbling her and hoping he could deal with the injector in a way he hadn’t thought of yet, or… this.

And maybe… Maybe if he did it for the right reason, things might work out. All he wanted was for her to see that she was worth loving, that she could change. If he fused with her... maybe it was like when White tore out his gem. A bad thing that would reveal the truth. A violation he could endure in the name of greater the good. 

“Do we gotta dance or something?”

Steven bent his arms at the elbows, lowering them both down to the injector capstone. He still didn’t trust her enough to let her go. Luckily, dancing wasn’t the only option. 

“No. We just gotta get in sync.”

He pressed on Spinel’s shoulders and loosened her hug enough to look him in the eyes. Steven grabbed a handful of pigtail and crushed his lips against Spinel’s hard enough to bruise his. He bucked his hips up against hers, grinding against the smooth curve between her legs.

Spinel jerked her head to the side as far as Steven’s grip on her pigtail would let her, tearing her lips away from his.

“Wh-what’re yuh doing?” She stammered. Steven could feel her hair bristling against his hand, quivering with nerves like the rest of her.

“Shhhh… shhhhhh…” Steven murmured, in time with the gentle rocking of his hips. Beneath his shirt, his gem started to glow. The one and only precious Pink Diamond that had enthralled everyone who had the misfortune to be caught in its light.

Something had changed inside Steven the moment he had made the offer to fuse. He’d crossed over an invisible line, and now he could see the world in different colours. A universe of possibilities opened before him. Things he never would have considered became justifiable when he could say they weren’t half as bad as what he’d already agreed to, or what might happen if he didn’t.

Sure, he was using her form to seek out selfish gratification, but It was for her own good. He needed to erase the lines between them if he was going to pull her into him. Spinel didn’t know how to fuse, so it would be all on him to find the connection and pleasure required.

He let go of her pigtail and wrapped his arms around her chest. He kissed her gem. Willing his own light and energy into the pitch-black inverted heart.

The kiss didn't seem to help, so he pooled saliva around his tongue and sent a messy lick up the length of it; ending at the pointed tip.

Spinel tensed then shuddered.

“Wha… What?”

Steven watched as the glistening trail he left on Spinel’s gem sunk in, bypassing the hard surface and bestowing whatever strange power his spit carried in it.

“Fff-fuuuuck me…”

Spinel’s curse twisted itself into a moan. Changing the meaning entirely. A spark flickered inside her gem. Like fire catching tinder, the light spread, filling it from edge to edge.

Spinel’s head made a faint ‘thunk’ sound when she collapsed against the capstone. Steven grabbed her thighs, freeing both her ankles in exchange for getting her hips at just the right angle.

She probably stood a decent chance at escaping from him now, but Steven trusted in his emotional gravity to hold her as well as the physical kind.

He licked her gem again, slowly this time. It was warm now, stirred back to life by his tender attentions.

Spinel hadn’t ever stood a chance. Not really. She didn’t have what it took to defy the Diamond she was made for, not once he put her in her proper place.

**Underneath him. **

Her gem was glowing even brighter. The light spilling past the surface, shining almost as brightly as the massive capstone that mirrored it.

“That’s better,” Steven purred. Spinel’s gem was larger than most. Probably a side effect of her unusual cut, and the placement… so visible and vulnerable.

Steven pressed his hand against it. Soon it would be his burden to bear as well. A broken heart bleeding where everyone could see it.

"You want this, don't you?" Steven asked, hoarsely. The question was rhetorical, but Steven still wondered if he would’ve been able to stop if she asked him to.

“Y-yes. Yes! I want it. I really, really, want it. Please, please, please Steven. Take me, take me!"

“Hrrk.”

Steven hadn’t been expecting quite that much enthusiasm. He stopped moving his hips for a moment, wrestling himself back from the edge. If he finished before Spinel was ready for him, this whole thing could fall apart.

Wavelength. Harmonize. Her spectrum was aligning, but she was holding back.

It was normal for her to be scared. It was her first time, after all. Sometimes fusions were so spur-of-the-moment that you never had time to worry, but this one required patience and perfect timing. 

“Then glow for me,” Steven ordered. “Show me what you have to give. You know you can’t hold anything back.”

Steven pulled the hem of his shirt up, showing her how brightly the former Pink Diamond was shimmering for her, ready to welcome her into its embrace.

“That’s the deal Spinel. All of you, for all of me.”

Spinel’s eyes widened at the sight. Steven had stopped moving his hips, but Spinel picked up right where he left off, rubbing herself up against him.

Her gem burst into a bright hot glow, lashes of pure white striking out from it. 

“L-like this?” Spinel stammered.

Steven grunted and rutted up against her.

“Yes! Yes, just like that. Don’t stop.”

Steven shoved her onto her side, holding her down with one arm and hugging her left leg to his chest with the other. He let her foot drape over his shoulder, from this angle he really appreciated how much her form looked like it was wearing a calf-high heeled boot.

Steven was so close he could taste it. The knot of tension in his lower belly perfectly mirroring the burning warmth of his gem resting just further up. Combining fusion and sex was an experience as unique as he was. Here he was trying it for the first time, and he couldn’t even stand to look his partner in the eyes.

Despite that, they were finally in sync. He was out of his mind with pleasure and Spinel hadn't ever been entirely inside her own. 

He was using her, and she was using him. Equal partners in depravity.

“Hnng, Spinel!” Steven snatched her back up and held her close, moaning her name as he fell apart. His white light, and something a similar colour but more substantial, spilt outside the confines of his body.

“I love you,” Spinel whispered breathlessly.

“I know. I’m sorry,” Steven murmured back, holding back a sob. 

The light seared white-hot and blinding as the pair trapped alone on the top of the injector ceased to exist and a new being opened their eyes.

The first thing they did with their new existence was throw back their head and howl in pure agony.

Because Steven had known something about fusion that now they knew. They knew that the most keenly felt emotion being experienced by both halves of a fusion had a profound effect on the personality of the whole once they were formed. That shared emotion became the core of the new being. It was the thing that bound them together and gave them a purpose. For better or worse. 

Garnet chose love.

Malachite chose hate

Rainbow quartz chose devotion

Sugilite chose strength

Sardonyx chose joy

Alexandrite and Obsidian chose unity

And at that moment, there was only one word to describe what Steven and Spinel were feeling together.

Wretched, poisonous, addictive, self-sustaining, and empty. A void that opened and swallowed them whole.

* * *

All of Beach City watched in stunned silence as the injector detached itself from the planet and rose up into the air.

It hovered menacingly for another thirty seconds, then exploded in a massive magenta fireball that painted the sky as brightly as the sun. The remaining poison vaporizing instantaneously.

The shockwave took a decent sized chunk out of the temple mount. The fireball roasted the already poisoned plant life into ashes. Thick acrid smoke filled the air, pooling in the centre of the crater.

Garnet was the first to arrive. She leapt right over the edge into the crater, battling the smog with her bare hands.

“Steven! Steven!”

A hollow, quavering voice pierced through the unnatural silence. “Ga-garnet?”

Pearl leapt down, landing beside Garnet, Amethyst close on her heels.

“Amethyst, Pearl!

A figure rose against the smoke, hunched over, clawing at their chest with three of their four hands, the last reaching out towards the three of them.

“Guys! He-help me. Please! I made a mistake. I made a big, big, big mistake…” They dropped onto their knees, writhing in the dirt.

“Steven!” Pearl screamed. Garnet grabbed her by the back of the jacket before she could rush over to them.

“No. That’s not Steven. Not **just** Steven.”

The fusion raised their head. Their face was split right down the middle, pinkish complexion on the left, beige on the right. One pigtail was thick, curly, and jet black. The other frayed, straight and magenta. They were wearing Steven’s jacket, though on their longer torso it fit more like a crop top. It was zipped part of the way up, hugging tight until it reached the upper chest, where the inverted heart Spinel gem was displayed for the world to see, centred above the deceptively simple-looking round gem nestling on their bare belly.

“No! No! Oh my god! NO!” Amethyst shouted.

“Oh, Steven…” Pearl pressed her hands over her mouth, her voice cracking as she began to sob. 

“How did this even happen? Steven wouldn’t… he just wouldn’t!” Amethyst insisted, looking from the fusion back to Garnet.

“Stay back. We don’t know who or what we’re dealing with,” Garnet ordered.

The fusion wrapped their second set of arms around their middle, hugging themselves tightly.

“Garnet… why… why… why-”

Faster than the eye could blink, the fusion sprung up and backflipped through the air, landing a foot away from the Crystal Gems. 

“Why do ya always ruin the punchline?! Girl, you gotta learn to tag your Spoilers or something, jeez!”

The fusion laughed and summoned Steven’s shield with a snap of their fingers. This version was missing the inner section and the pattern of thorns ran along the outside. Dozens of razor-sharp spikes angled like the blade on a bandsaw. 

“That’s alright, though. It was a lame plot twist anyway. I’m almost embarrassed to admit that’s what happened. I mean, two desperate gems becoming one desperate gem. Yaaaaaaawwnnnnn, where have we heard that before, am I right?”

The whip, spear, and gloves came out. Garnet exchanged a look with Pearl and Amethyst. None of them knew if they could bring themselves to attack Steven, even if it was only partly Steven.

“Easy. Easy. Let's all try to keep calm,” Garnet de-summoned her gloves and held her arms out between the fusion and her fellow Crystal Gems. “How about we start with some introductions. Who are you?”

The fusion hefted their ring blade over their shoulder and cocked their hip to the side.

“Who am I? **Who am I?!**”

The fusion hefted their weapon over their head and dropped it. As the ring passed over them, their form shifted. Their ragged pigtails smoothed into cute heart-shaped buns, their eyes grew wide and sparkly, and their mouth perked into an adorable pout.

“It’s kind of funny you should ask; I’ve been pondering ova that one a lot myself. What do a Spinel and a Pink Diamond make? Oh, that almost sounds like a punchline doesn't it? Or maybe an oxymoron with the emphasis on the **moron** part. Teehee! Oh dear, I’m just a big confusing mess, aren’t I?”

The fusion spun their weapon around their hips, rolling it around their belly like a hula hoop before letting it land in the dirt.

They shifted again. Pigtails became a tight single ponytail divided down the middle in magenta and black. A pair of horn-rimmed spectacles flashed into existence and the fusion pushed against the bridge with their pointer finger, setting them in place.

“I would pontificate that a more pertinent question is not ‘what’ my component parts make, but rather the unique circumstances that led to my creation. Let’s do some simple arithmetic shall we?”

The fusion took a step back, kicking up their ring blade and catching it. They dragged one of the pointed tips over the ground, drawing a passable sketch of Steven in the sand. 

“Please turn your attention toward our first variable, one ‘Steven Universe’. Steven was a good egg by anyone’s estimation, but even the best eggs crack when enough pressure is put on them; and, my word, was Steven under quite a lot of pressure. Pressure to save the world, pressure to be a perfect little boy. Never tired, never stressed, never allowed to show a smidgen of uncertainty or resentment lest it cause a cascade of misery. He did whatever it took to protect the people he loved time and time again, hoping that one day he would get to finally relax and be a normal kid for once. Until even that faint hope was crushed when Spinel arrived.” 

The fusion spun their hoop-blade all the way up one arm, then spiked it into the dirt. When the dust cleared, they had another face. Their pigtails fell loosely to each side while tears streamed silently from their eyes. One pair of arms wrapped around their middle, while the second tugged on loose handfuls of their hair

“Di-did you know that all that time, St-steven never even thought about giving up? He never even considered it. Not until Spinel tried to shatter herself right in front of him. She showed him what true misery really looked like. She showed him how easy it was to just give yourself over to the abyss.”

The fusion grabbed their blade and dragged it through the sand, severing the head off their drawing and scratching cartoon Xs over Steven’s eyes.

“And that’s the tragic story of how the greatest hero the galaxy ever knew allowed himself to come to this sorry end. In an instant, all that pressure was gone, and so… and so was he!”

The fusion sniffed and dabbed at her eyes with their pink pigtail.

“Garnet,” Pearl hissed through her teeth. Her grip tightening on her staff. 

“We need to separate them as quickly as possible before she can do any long-term psychological damage.”

"I think we might already be too late," Amethyst muttered.

The fusion switched back into their teacher persona and sketched out a new drawing of Spinel next to the one of Steven.

“Now lets briefly touch on our second variable. Even though she’s hardly more than an ascended extra in our dionysian comedy.” 

The fusion jolted as if they had just been hit with a bolt of lightning. Their hair split back into pigtails and frizzed up so completely it overshadowed their body. The two upper hands crossed over their chest, pointer pinky and thumbs extended in a double 'devil horns' salute.

“There’s only one thing you really gotta know about Spinel, and it’s that ya girl had no fuckin' self-respect. All she had left was being angry, and once that dried up, it was 'slit your wrists or get out the tub' time if you catch my drift!”

The fusion howled with vindictive laughter, sticking out an unnaturally long tongue, their mismatched pink and black eyes filled with tight spirals. Then their pigtails flopped. The tears and wrung hands back in control.

“Spinel is so giving. Every thought she ever had was for the objects of her obsession. Even 6000 years spent all alone wasn’t enough time for her to develop a personality. That’s why she didn’t think twice about Steven’s offer to fuse, for the first time in her life she would get to experience what it was like to be a **real person**, not just an empty doll waiting for someone else to give her a role to play. In a way, that’s what made her a perfect fusion mate. There’s no chance of having incompatible personalities when one partner doesn’t have one.”

“Steven!”

Bismuth took a running leap down into the crater, Lapis, and Peridot flying right behind her. 

“Shit!” Bismuth swore, stumbling back as she got an eyeful of the new Fusion.

“Stars! I think I’m going to be sick...” Peridot exclaimed, turning an unhealthy shade of green even for her. 

The fusion’s pigtails bunched into buns. They began to hop from foot to foot in excitement.

“Yay! More audience members have arrived! Come in, come in! There's a place for everyone! Come one come all! See the trash fire while it’s still burning nice n’ hot!”

Lapis flashed her wings, summoning up twin fists of water and firing them at the fusion. The ring blade swept through the air, blocking both attacks then swinging back around to catch the blue gem before she could make an impact. Lapis growled through her teeth, grabbing her side of the ring blade and trying to wrench it from the fusion’s hands. 

“Steven. Spinel. You need to un-fuse right now. It’s not worth it. You can't lose yourselves to hatred. Please, take it from me it isn’t worth it!” 

The fusion giggled and swept her blade to the side, spinning faster and faster until Lapis lost her grip and went flying.

“Awhaw~! Lappy! I appreciate the concern, but I promise there’s no hatred here. I’m not Malachite. I mean, just look at me. Does anything in these gorgeous curves look angry to you?” The fusion ran her second pair of hands down the length of her body, drawing attention to the way Steven’s bulk combined with Spinel’s hourglass figure. 

Lapis righted herself in the air and flew back around. Garnet held up a hand and Bismuth copied the wave, both successfully convincing her to rethink her attack. 

“Done fighting already? Jeez. Steven really did neuter the whole buncha yuh, huh?"

The fusion giggled, holding both hands up over her mouth. Then her demeanour changed. This new face was more subtle than the rest, characterized by a sudden lack of any expression rather than the presence of one. Her four hands rested at her sides; her fingers curled in towards her fingerless gloves.

“Anger is like a fire. Eventually, everyone burns themselves out. If that were what I was, you’d only need to wait until I destabilize.”

The fusion turned to Garnet; their movements unsettlingly precise.

“That’s why you’re holding everyone back, isn't it? You don’t want to hurt Steven, but you also know that fighting me won’t do you any good. It’ll only make me stronger.”

The fusion approached the leader of the Crystal Gems, dragging their massive ring blade through the sand behind them. Pearl and Amethyst scurried back, but Garnet held her ground.

“This whole time you’ve been searching through the future, looking for a place where this all works out in the end.”

The fusion planted their blade into the sand, missing garnet’s foot by half an inch. They leaned on it, admiring themselves in the reflection of her visor.

“So, how’s it looking? Do we all stay just like this **forever?”**

Bismuth nodded to Lapis and Peridot. The three of them circled around behind the fusion. Pearl and Amethyst took their lead and spaced themselves out, completing the circle. 

“You still haven’t answered my question. I can’t address you properly until I know what to call you,” Garnet replied.

The fusion flashed up the big eyes and cute buns.

“Owo!? You want to know? You really, really, want to know? Ya wanna know who I am? What I am? Reaaaaaaaaaly?" 

They pushed off against the ground with their ring-blade and backflipped through the centre of the hoop. They landed in a crouch and summoned a second ring, twirling them both on either side of their body as they sized up the circle of Crystal Gems surrounding them. They tossed their head back, adopting the regal posture of a queen surveying their court. 

“I’m better! Better than hate, better than love! Better than all those pathetic, fleeting emotions combined! All Spinel wanted was to never be alone again, and she was willing to give herself up completely to get it. All Steven wanted was to not have the weight of the universe on his shoulders anymore. And here I am. A failure. A mistake. Something so fundamentally** wrong, **you’re all horrified by my very existence! All it takes is one peek at your faces to see that every second you spend looking at me makes your lives just a little bit worse. I shouldn’t exist. If there were any justice at all in this universe, I wouldn’t exist. And yet here I am anyway! **TA-FUCKING-DA!**”

Everyone was in position, braced for the signal.

“Ahahahaha-haaaaaaa! Isn’t it wretched! Isn’t it completely and utterly hopeless!” 

“Now!”

The Crystal Gems charged, each brandishing their weapon or powers with the clear intent to subdue but not harm. The fusion tossed their ring blades into the air and summoned a dark magenta bubble. They watched passively from inside the translucent barrier at the Gem’s attacks bounced off.

“Isn't it exciting! Doesn’t it just give you goosebumps all over? Cuz now that you’ve all stopped looking up to me, I can do whatever I want! I’ve already disappointed you all so badly there’s nowhere left to go. I’ve hit fucking rock-bottom, and it feels **ah-mazing!** This freedom, this pain, there’s no end to it!”

The fusion popped their bubble, sending out a shockwave that pushed everyone back. Lapis, Peridot, and Pearl got it worst, their low body weight allowed them to be tossed almost to the edge of the crater. Bismuth, Garnet, and Amethyst managed to dig in their heels and stop within a few meters. The fusion jumped, catching her rings in the air, twisting into another flip before landing on the edge of the injector crater.

The fusion’s stately persona lifted a hand to their chin and laughed.

“O~hohoho! At long last, we reach the ultimate punchline! Ya wanna know, what Spinel and Steven make? What happens when the hope of the universe gets dragged over that razor-thin line and is left drowning forever in the dark with the only person he couldn’t save?” 

The blank expression returned, vacant eyes full of spirals, dark shadows gathering over the upper half of their face.

“In a word; **Despair**. Complete and utter **Despair**.”

Despair stared down each Crystal Gem in turn. Their mismatched pink and black eyes boring into them. 

“You can feel it too, can’t you? You all want to save Steven so badly, but there’s nothing you can do. There's nothing anyone can do. That's the great thing about despair! It doesn’t die out; it spreads like a virus. Waxing and waning, but always there, waiting to devour everything you ever cared for.”

“St-steven?” 

Despair started and spun around. Lion and Connie had needed to make one last trip to Little Homeworld to drop off evacuation stragglers, and now she was the last to arrive. The van pulled up behind her and Greg fell out, clutching his wounded arm to his chest.

“Steven!” 

Despair took one last look at the fallen Crystal Gems and smiled wide, displaying two full rows of razor-sharp fangs.

“Ah, there’s my cue! Let’s get this over with before they bring out the hook, shall we?” 

Despair dispelled their ring blades and walked calmly over to the teenager riding the pastel-pink lion. Lion hissed and backed away, raking his for-claws in the loose dirt. 

“Connie, Connie, Connie! Welcome to the party. You're just too late for cake.”

Connie grabbed a handful of Lion’s mane and slid down his shoulder to the ground. She held her pink sword in both hands and pointed the blade at Despair. Her hands were trembling so severely the tip of the blade drew a spirograph in the air.

“I’ve seen that look before,” Despair purred, her lips curving into a cat-like smile. “That’s the look you gave Steven when he betrayed you. Except, I guess we’re going to have to qualify that now. The **first **time Steven betrayed you.”

“Let him go! Let him go right now!” Connie roared. 

“Teehee! Connie, you know that's not how it works. There is no **him** anymore. There’s only Despair.”

Connie darted forward, swiping her blade to the side, aiming the blow right between the two gems on Despair’s front. A hollow clang filled the air as the sword clashed against a ring the exact same shade. 

“Nice try. But shield always beats sword,” Despair growled. “Especially when the shield isn’t just a shield…”

Despair jerked their ring to the side, catching Connie’s sword underneath one of the thorns. For a moment, Connie and Despair tested their strength. Then Despair grabbed their ring with their second set of hands.

Connie’s sword was wrenched out of her grip and went whirling like a boomerang into the air. 

“Aw~! Too bad! So sad! Had your chance, lost yur pants, wouldn't wanna be ya!”

Lion went chasing after the weapon down the beach, but for now, Connie was defenceless. She raised her fists, ready to fight hand-to-hand, but Despair only scoffed and flipped her ring blade over her head and back around her middle.

Despair twirled back out along the edge of the crater. They framed the gem on their tummy with both hands, showing it off like a prize on a gameshow.

“Alas, poor Steven. I knew him. A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy! He hath borne you all on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in your imagination he is! Here once hung those lips that you have kissed, I know not how oft. Where are his gibes now? his gambols? his songs? his flashes of merriment that were wont to set the table on a roar?”

Bismuth climbed up over the edge of the crater, carrying Pearl and Peridot on her back. Lapis touched down beside them, and Garnet and Amethyst pulled themselves up a moment later. 

“Or in less fancy-pants words; I guess you were wrong to believe in Steven. Turns out he was just as fucked up as the rest of you!”

Despair threw her head back and laughed. “Haahahahahahahaaa!”

Greg edged closer to Garnet, and she hurried over to him.

“Garnet, what’s-?”

Before Greg could finish his sentence, Garnet grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him towards Despair.

Despair froze mid-laugh, their gaze focusing on the damage done by a rogue splash of poison. Despair's pigtails curled up and the colour in their eyes shifted to black on both sides.

“D-dad?! Your arm!”

Despair dropped their ring and ran over to Greg, bending down to get a look at the damage. Their two upper hands pressed against their face.

“No! No, no, no. My healing powers. Will they even work when I’m like… this?”

“Whoa, whoa, Steven-” Greg begin.

“Despair,” Garnet hissed. 

“Uh, Despair? It’s okay. It doesn't hurt, and you know they have cool prosthetics these-”

Despair knelt in front of Greg, their arms and legs wobbling like jelly in an earthquake. They took his injured hand in all four of theirs. 

“Please, let this work. Please, please… Spinel… Spinel…” 

Despair kissed the back of Greg's hand, and a wave of pink healing glow passed over it, restoring the healthy pallor. 

Despair’s eyes widened and flashed full of stars as they watched the healing take hold. 

“Whoa… I-I did it. I… I guess there is some good in me after all… how… how…” Despair gagged as they tried to force the word out. “Hopeful.”

Greg smiled at them, cautious and very confused, but also clearly grateful.

“Thanks.”

Despair recoiled as if they had just been shot.

“I… I… I need to go!” They stammered. They backed away; arms raised as if they were warding off an attack.

“Despair, wait!” Garnet shouted, stepping out from behind Greg. “You don’t have to run from us. If you stay, we promise we won’t try to split you apart.”

“Wh-what?!” Pearl exclaimed.

“Garnet?” Amethyst cried.

"No!" Lapis hissed. She flashed her wings, but Bismuth snatched her around the ankle and hauled her back.

“Let Garnet handle this. She knows Steven, and she knows fusion,” Bismuth insisted.

Lapis hunched her shoulders forward, bowing her head and letting her bangs fall over her eyes. She dropped to the ground and grabbed Peridot, hiding her eyes in her shoulder. 

Garnet turned to the Crystal Gems. “Steven isn’t here, so I’m doing what he would have done.”

She approached Despair slowly, holding her arms out.

“Just let us help you. It doesn’t have to be like this.” 

Despair froze in place. They bent forward, hugging themselves tightly. Their shoulders hunched up as a pained sob wracked their upper body. 

“You... you don’t hate me?” Despair asked.

Garnet shook her head. “Of course I don’t. I love you. You know that.”

“Even... even like this?”

“I love you, no matter what.”

Garnet took the last few steps between herself and Despair, offering them a hug.

“You’ve been under a lot of pressure recently, and that can make things seem so much worse than they actually are, but take a good look around, and you'll see that no one here hates you. We just don’t like seeing you hurt yourself.” 

Greg moved up behind Garnet and gave Despair a small wave.

“Hey, kiddo I uh... I'm not sure what's going on, like usual, but whatever you're going through we can work through it together.”

Despair collapsed onto their knees, fat tears streaming down their cheeks.

“G-garnet... Dad... I-”

**“Heeyaha!”**

Despair’s form jerked. Their tears stopped flowing. They looked down to find half of a long pink blade protruding from their abdomen just underneath Spinel’s gem. Despair convulsed and choked, spitting out a mouthful of hot pink as it filled their lungs. 

“Connie!” Garnet screamed. 

Connie let go of her sword and stumbled backwards, bumping up against Lion

“I thought you were distracting them! Wasn’t that what I was supposed to do?” 

Pink began to leak from around the edges of the blade, staining Steven’s jacket and dripping down onto the sand.

“Why aren’t they poofing?!” Connie screamed. “My sword… it can’t kill Gems!"

Despair closed their eyes and laughed. Convulsing with pain from every breath. “It could kill one Gem...” they rasped. Despair shuddered as they forced themselves to turn to look at Connie. “I suppose it’s only fair… I betrayed you twice now. Time you returned the favour. An eye for an eye, eh?"

More pink was flowing down the blade of the sword, the light pink and hot pink blending well against one another. 

Despair’s form finally began to destabilize, the two mismatched halves splitting down the centre. 

“This… This is absolute despair... I feel despair upon despair and despair toward despair... How fun. Once you've experienced the despair I've suffered, there's no turning back. You’ll see, oh, you’ll all see.”

**Poof**

Steven dug his fingers into the dirt, his hands were covered in a mix of hot pink and dark red. Every breath filled his lungs with hot iron that inevitably poured out of his mouth once he hacked it up. He needed to heal himself, but something was more important. Much more important.

He reached over the sword laying in its own pool of pink blood and closed his fingers around Spinel’s gemstone. The blade must have caught her while defusing, or the trauma of separation had been too much for her. 

This time his bubble popped up around her instantly. He tapped the top. He could control where she went. Somewhere safe. Somewhere she’d be safe.

Steven could sense the others crowding around him, they were shouting at him, but he couldn't hear them over the pounding of his heart. He spat into the palm of his hand; it was mostly blood. He pressed it against the gaping wound in his chest. 

His skin knit together. He'd lost a lot of blood already. Who knew if it was too much? Garnet lifted him into her arms. Steven looked around bleary at the gems, at Connie and Greg and he felt…. Nothing.

Nothing but the cold, numbing darkness.

Nothing but **Despair.**

**Author's Note:**

> So uh... Sorry to everyone who thought calling the good version of Spinel and Steven's fusion 'Hope' was cute and didn't realize it was just the set up for a needlessly elaborate Danganronpa reference.


End file.
